


cold feet

by RuthlessNancy



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, Female Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Heterosexual Character, Hopeful Ending, Internalized Homophobia, Intimacy, Love, Non-Sexual Intimacy, POV Bisexual Character, POV Lesbian Character, POV Second Person, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Queer Character, Queer Themes, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:06:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25794094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RuthlessNancy/pseuds/RuthlessNancy
Summary: You are a thief, you have lied to her and taken that which you have no right to just by hearing her offer.ORThe guilt of sharing another girl's bed while queer, and a stubborn friendship that carries on despite this.
Relationships: Original Female Character & Original Female Character
Kudos: 3





	cold feet

She looks at you, you look at her, and for some reason you're afraid. You're guilty.

This was her idea, you think, but it doesn't help. You feel dirty, tainted. You are a thief, you have lied to her and taken that which you have no right to just by hearing her offer.

The guilt creeps up.

Does she know? Of course she does. She held you after your first girlfriends betrayal, teased you when you stumbled blushing away from each conversation, advised you on clothes to wear and makeup to try, and through it all was unquestionably, unshakenly trusting. She knows. She doesn't care.

The guilt creeps up.

She doesn't care, you think. Well, maybe she should, is the savage response from that nasty bright place inside you where the truth sinks to cruelty. Maybe she should care, maybe she should know that sometimes you look at her and wish-

Wish what? That she would hold your hand. That she would smile when she saw you. That she would tease you and cry on your shoulder and yell excitedly about books you hate, and-

You want to be the person she goes to when she has a new boyfriend. You don't wish she was capable of falling in love with you – you can think of nothing worse – you wish she knew exactly how much you love her back and want her to be happy.

You think she does.

She's still sat there, on the edge of her bed. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," you say, and your voice isn't shaky at all. You're proud of that.

She doesn't believe you, you can tell. She doesn't say anything, though. You're grateful.

You climb in, and she climbs in after you, and now you're lying stiff against the wall, wondering what wrong move you'll make to ruin everything forever.

The guilt creeps up.

That dirty wrong feeling is back. You want to be sick, a little. You want to be sick, because then you can leave and you won't be doing anything wrong. You dont want to be sick, because you're stubborn and stupid, and this was her idea.

You feel as if your soul is trying to break it's way free of the constricting cage you call a heart. Its unnecessarily painful. 

You turn your head, and she's laying there, watching you. Her eyes glitter in the near darkness. They're like the night decided to blink.

"Are you okay?" She says again.

"I get cold feet," you say, and it isn't, technically, a lie. Your feet are freezing. "I don't want to suddenly wake you up because I kicked you."

She laughs. Its louder than it should be, at night, and it's the most beautiful thing you've ever heard.

"If you pull them under the covers properly they won't be cold," she says, and that isn't how it works, that isn't how any of this is supposed to work.

You do it anyway.

Your foot glances hers, and she squeals. You laugh, despite yourself.

You wake up in the morning and your hair is pooled gold and black together on the pillow.

The next time you sleep over, you pretend to fight her for the blanket. When you let her win, she leaves an arm across your chest "to keep you in your place", and you hope your pounding heart against her wristbone doesn't betray your relief at this deliberate innocence.

You fall asleep in her arms and know this fierce love you have is returned with equal weight. She knows who you are. She knows what you want. She offers you nothing but trust.


End file.
